The Value of ‘Why’: Reacquainting Ourselves  With Curiosity

by Daniel Bingham, Psy.D.

 

“Why?”  “Because I said so.”


“Why?”  “That’s the way it is.” 


“Why?”  “Please just do it.”


If you’re a parent or have spent any amount of time with children, surely one or more of these ‘why’ exchanges feels
familiar.  Children often seem perfectly content to keep throwing this three-letter word at us indiscriminately.  And even when we
feel we’ve provided a most articulate, developmentally appropriate response, we hear the same question again.  


It is sometimes difficult to remember, but we grow up asking ‘why.’  As language capacity blossoms, kids excitedly concoct
one question after another.  There is seemingly an insatiable amount of ‘whys’ to ask at any time.  “Why is the sky blue?”  “Why does it rain?”  “Why do I need to eat my dinner before my dessert?” And on and on.


As adults, these questions can strike us as irritating, tiresome, or a waste of time.  We may assume a child is trying to delay doing what they are supposed to in posing questions or possibly even trying to aggravate us.  While one of these assumptions may on occasion be correct, often children are genuinely curious about their environment, rules of nature, or rules of the household, or why one thing causes another to occur.  Babies test things out by smacking and turning objects with their hands and putting things in their mouths, and older kids are inclined to ask ‘why.’


At some point, there is an uneasiness that sets in for parents who are actively trying to attend to their kids and provide answers to their inquiries.  We realize we do not have all the answers—not even close!  We may not even feel like we have a handful of good answers.  Consequently, many parents will intentionally or unintentionally dissuade a child from asking so many questions.  Our insecurity about not being able to answer adequately curtails further exploration.


What is it about ‘why’ that sometimes makes us uncomfortable?  We may assert we have limitations on our time.  While this is certainly true, there is something unique about the question, ‘why.’  While adults may have ready answers to young kids’ ‘why’ questions, as children mature, their questions are more likely to be concerned with the meaning of things.  Instead of “Why is grass green?” the child begins to ask about more anxiety evoking realities such as “Why do people die?”  It seems that by comparison, ‘what,’ ‘where,’ ‘who’ and ‘how’ are often strikingly easier questions to answer.


This question ‘why’ is one that may feel less natural to ask as an adult.  Maybe we think we should have the answers at this point in our lives, or at least enough of them.  We might reason that kids are the ones who are curious and we do not want to regress into some kind of pre-adolescent naiveté.  We adopt aphorisms like “Curiosity killed the cat” and justify our resistance to asking ‘why’ out of a desire to protect our vulnerability.


In addition, we may associate ‘why’ with a particular emotional state.  The way adults ask the question often differs from the ways in which a child does.  If we are asking ‘why,’ it might be in the form of “Why is this happening to me?” or “Why is my spouse so angry?” or “Why is this idiot in front of me driving so slowly?!”  These questions are borne less of curiosity than of despair, confusion or frustration. 


Because we want to protect ourselves from feeling naïve or vulnerable or from experiencing uncomfortable emotions, we are hesitant to ask ‘why’ too much.  Increasing awareness of life’s harsher realities often engenders a resistance to asking questions.  We may not know the answers to
questions such as “Why are there one billion people in the world who are starving?” or “Why are we at war?” and we may not want to know. 

 

As understandable as it is to avoid the pain of knowing, if we are too comprehensive in our avoidance of ‘why,’ life loses its vitality.  We risk forgetting how to play and are more likely to distance ourselves from a wide range of feelings and from others.  If, however, we allow ourselves to tolerate penetrating ‘why’ questions, we may unearth substantial interest in the people and things that surround us.  This process is the vehicle for greater connection to our environments and to ourselves.


Contrary to what we might expect, the value of curiosity is as much related to posture as it is to acquisition.  In other words, the process of allowing ourselves to contemplate ‘why’ is just as important as the answers we generate along the way.  Re-connecting with our curiosity could very well result in the formulation of more questions instead of us landing on a “pot of gold” filled with concrete, definitive answers.  Exploration and discovery are their own rewards.


Continuing to ask ‘why’ into adulthood is not easy.  Even so, we ought not leave genuine inquisition solely to world-class astronomers.  The discoveries we make when we allow ourselves to ask ‘why’ may not be earth shattering, but they increase our fascination and respect for the world around us and the cognitive and emotional “worlds” within us.  We may begin to notice that our individual and interpersonal complexities are no less intricate than the secrets of the universe.  If we have the courage to pay attention to what we see, hear and feel, not only will we have the potential to encounter a deeper reality, but we will also likely experience greater satisfaction in our everyday
lives.

 

Daniel Bingham, Psy.D. sees clients in our Yorkville Location.

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