Transitioning Your Child To College:

High Hopes...And High Anxiety

By Mark Ramirez*, M.A.

 

By the time this newsletter appears in your mailbox, your son or daughter has probably already begun the college academic year. For parents, there are often a slew of mixed emotions that go along with their child's departure. I have heard many parents say things such as, "We are so close. I am worried the separation will be too hard for them." I have also heard something like this. "We are strict in our home and we don't think they will be able to handle all this new freedom." In some ways it's like a grown up version of sending your child to kindergarten - the feelings of a loss of control over the child feels similar. Letting go for a parent is a difficult task, no matter what age their child may be.

 

The main thing I have stressed to parents is that it is time to transition their child into the adult world, and the only way to do that is to begin treating them like an adult. Help them be responsible for their own lives by encouraging self-accountability. Many parents say that their child is not ready, that they are too naive or over-confident. While this may be true, this task is essential in helping the teenager transition into young adulthood. As in any other stage of development, patience, forgiveness and encouragement are essential on the parent's part. The following are some suggestions I have encouraged parents to think about:

 

1. Affirm the transition with your son/daughter right after high school graduation. Ask them about some reasonable ways to negotiate how to begin treating them like an adult. Being free of responsible expectations is not one of them. One thing I suggest is changing the idea of curfew to courtesy; in other words, if a child is going to be out late, have them call home so parents can rest easier.

 

2. The next task is for the aspiring student to obtain some type of summer and school break employment. Parents should shy away from freely handing out money for recreational and personal items. I also encourage students to at least be responsible for raising their own money for books. This gives the student a sense of investing in his or her own college expenses. The more ownership they feel, the more seriously they will take their college experience. By the way, during the first year most colleges encourage a student to work 12 hours or less per week while they get acclimated.

 

3. If the student lives at home, or when they come home on breaks, it is important to talk about expectations. The student may assume the break will be a time of seeing friends, sleeping in and raiding the kitchen. The parents may assume that the return means there will be lots of family time. If these are the assumptions there will be tension in the household and disappointment on both parts.

 

College-age children should be expected to contribute in some ways to the family either by doing chores or assisting the family in some practical way, as well as eating an occasional family meal together. If they had a roommate in an apartment, this expectation would be similar.

 

In conclusion, parents must learn the delicate art of transitioning from being parental to being mentoring. Rules and advice give way to listening, encouraging, and problem solving. As time progresses, often the young adult will begin to see college as their new home. Though this is saddening to the parent, it also means they have mentored their child well. The young adult has begun to believe they can manage their own lives with minimal assistance from the parents. Of course, mom and dad will always be there when needed. Despite our tendency to think of going to college as a transition for the young person, in reality it is a developmental transition for the entire family.

 

Mark sees clients in the St. Charles office*
The St. Charles office supports St. Charles, Geneva, Batavia, Aurora and the entire Fox Valley.

 

Return to Articles