Staying Connected To Your Spouse Throughout Your Marriage

By Julie Burnett, Psy.D.

 

They say a wife and husband, bit by bit, can rear between their lives a mighty wall,

So thick they can not talk with ease through it, nor can they see across, it stands so tall!

Its nearness frightens them but each alone is powerless to tear its bulk away,

And each, dejected, wishes he had known for such a wall, some magic thing to say.

 

So let us build with master art, my dear, a bridge of faith between your life and mine,

A bridge of tenderness and very near, a bridge of understanding, strong and fine –

Till we have formed so many lovely ties there never will be room for walls to rise!

---Author Unknown

 

Falling in love is easy, staying in love is work.  As the above poem suggests, couples must continually work on their marriage to avoid disconnection.  The relationship with my husband has naturally changed throughout the course of our marriage because life circumstances have not stayed the same. While we continue to remain close and loving, the connection does not just magically “happen”.  We work on staying connected to each other throughout all the changes in life, and these include the normal adjustments that happen as our family grows.  Just as people develop and change, so do relationships and families.  In fact, there are a number of normal stages that the average family goes through – each potentially causing more disconnection in the marriage.   Consider some of the stressors involved in the following normal family transitions:

 

1. New Couple

⇒  Forming a new family

⇒  Make adjustments in other relationships (such as extended family and friends) to include

        spouse

⇒  Develop patterns in relationship of how to interact with spouse and others

⇒  Disillusionment when weaknesses in spouse are discovered

⇒  Different expectations of roles and responsibilities

 

2.  Families with Young Children 

⇒  New members are introduced into family

⇒  Less time together, changes in intimacy and sexual relationship, less energy to invest in

        marriage

⇒  Relate to spouse as co-parent in addition to companion/lover

⇒  Rebalance work and home life, role responsibilities often change

 

3.  Families with Adolescent Children

⇒  Children are more independent and peer-focused

⇒  Family must be more flexible to allow teens to move in and out of family life

⇒  Pressure for couple to be personal bank and chauffer service to teens; spouses often 

        disagree on parenting strategies causing conflict

⇒  Couples are in midlife and often reevaluating their life choices, including careers and

        relationships

⇒  Parents of couple can begin to show signs of aging, shifting some focus towards caring

        for the older generation

 

4.  Launching Children & Moving On

⇒  Acceptance of multiple exits from and entries into the family

⇒  Marriage renegotiated as it becomes “just the two of us” once more 

⇒  Couples are developing adult relationships with grown children

⇒  Realigning relationships in the family to include in-laws and grandchildren as grown

        children begin to establish their own families

⇒  Dealing with the disabilities and death of own parents 

⇒  Reestablish identity and purpose apart from parenting

 

5.  Empty Nest; Families in Later Life

⇒  Accept the shift in generational roles; support a more central role of the middle

        generation

⇒  Maintain couple functioning and interests in the face of physical decline

⇒  Support the older generation without overfunctioning for them

⇒  Deal with loss of spouse, siblings, and other peers while preparing for own death.

        Reviewing own life

 

So what can a couple do to stay connected to each other throughout all of these typical life changes?  There are many areas where couples can invest their energy to establish and maintain satisfying long-term marriages, but here are a couple suggestions that help at every stage:


Intentionally make time for the marriage relationship

Regardless of what stage of family life you are in, you need to make an intentional effort to spend time with your spouse and build a close friendship with each other.  This could mean hiring a babysitter, swapping babysitting with another family, having creative at-home dates, joining a class or team together, or putting a date on the calendar so it’s not crowded out by other commitments.  Prioritize romance and your sexual relationship at every stage.  The goal is continuing to foster a partner-focused, rather than merely child-focused marriage.


Communicate in a way that encourages intimacy

As we live together, the risk is that we resort to “business” talk about the day and merely report information to each other.  Many times we rarely share more intimate thoughts, opinions, dreams, and feelings; yet this is necessary for building close connection.  We need to continue to make intentional efforts in how we communicate with one another.  This includes speaking to each other in a way that is respectful and builds up, rather than tears down, connection.

 

By continuing to prioritize our marriage throughout all of life’s changes, hopefully we can stay connected to each other and agree with the following words by Martin Luther: There is no more lovely, friendly, and charming relationship, communion, or company than a good marriage.

 

Julie works out of the Yorkville office.