Parenting in Blended Families

By Elizabeth Davy, LCSW

 

Being a good parent is the toughest job in the world. Parenting comes with no rulebook. Assembly instructions are not included. There is no test to pass before you embark on raising a family. Good parenting within a blended family has an additional set of challenges. Most adults enter into a blended family situation desperately wanting to make it work. They have previously suffered a relationship loss, either by divorce or death, and very much want a stable and healthy environment for the children --- theirs, the new spouse’s, and/or both.


Many things can trip up parents and step-parents, including but not limited to: being impatient (biological families are created slowly - blended families need to be created even more slowly), making kids the messengers of communication, speaking negatively about the child’s other parent in front of the child (remember: when you criticize a child’s parent, you are indirectly criticizing the child), forgetting to listen to the children, forcing your relationship with your step-child, or trying to be your step-child’s buddy.


It is important to remember that children have been through a lot prior to entering into a new, blended family. They have experienced many losses and may still be grieving. And one way to express their grief might be to say, “I don’t have to listen to you --- you aren’t my parent!” It is important to remember that it can take anywhere from 5 to 7 years to become an effective blended family, so be patient.

 

Goals for Step-Parenting*:

1. Open communication between all parents and step-parents.

2. If possible, both homes need to have the same rules.

3. Have rules that are consistent and then follow through.

4. Establish what type of role the step-parent should have.
5. Establish new family rituals/traditions.

6. Hold weekly family meetings.

7. Have one-on-one time with each parent weekly on the child’s turf.

8. If possible, have an open door policy with the non-residential parent.


Remember:
•    Your expectations of how you think your children should act towards their new step-parent probably don’t match the feelings the children are carrying.
•    A step-parent is a support to their partner: The biological parent implements consequences.    (Exception: biological parent gives permission to step-parent AND they are both on a consistent parenting plan.)


*Goals for Step-Parenting is reprinted with permission from the author, Jessica Burkhamer, LCSW.

 

Elizabeth Davy sees clients in our Yorkville Office.

 

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