The Emotional Responses of Children to Divorce

By Julie Burnett, Psy.D.

 

Under any circumstances, divorce is difficult and painful. When there are children in the family, the sadness is multiplied. Children have no say in the decision to end a marriage, and yet they must live with the changes that come with the divorce. When parents make the decision to get divorced, they usually realize that it will impact their children in some way. However they may not know specifically what their children are experiencing, or how to help them.

 

In order to bring children through divorce and guide them towards a happier future, parents need to understand the emotional needs of their children and find healthy ways to meet them. During this time, children experience many emotional difficulties that are a normal part of the process. Three common emotions that emerge in children during a divorce are hostility, guilt, and fear.

 

Hostility. When children experience the divorce of their parents, they often feel very angry. This deep anger is usually expressed as hostility towards their parents, themselves, siblings, and others outside of the home.

While it is distressing for parents to witness this reaction, it is important to understand what is happening. Young children do not understand the dynamics of adult relationships, and frequently their first reaction is to feel that the parent who has left the home has abandoned them. So children are likely to feel hostile toward the absent parent. They will often express distress over visiting that parent, even though they then seem to enjoy the time together. When returning from visitation the anger can be directed toward the other parent. Having connected with the noncustodial parent, the child may now blame the custodial parent for not allowing the other parent to live in the home.

 

Sometimes, children express hostility towards themselves. They might refuse to eat or play. Or they may make verbal statements about hating themselves. Some children try to harm themselves physically. Others act out their anger in the aggressive treatment of other children, including siblings. All of these actions are the children’s way of expressing the hostility they feel about this painful situation that they have no control over.

 

Guilt. Children often feel guilty for the divorce of their parents. Although it is difficult for parents to understand, a child many times arrives at the conclusion that he is responsible for the separation of his parents. He might remember, for example, that he has been naughty in the past. These misdeeds, trivial in the eyes of adults, can assume serious proportions to a child. He might think, “Daddy went away because I was noisy in the morning and he couldn’t sleep.” After overhearing his parents quarrel, a child might conclude that they were saying, “if it weren’t for Bobby things would be so much easier.” Struggling with guilt over past misbehavior, children often feel that the divorce is a rejection of them by their parents. Young children struggle with the uncomfortable sense of being “bad” and wonder if their parents will live better without them.

 

Fear. Behind all of these emotions lies the paramount one of fear. The child feels helpless in the midst of his world changing, and he is ultimately afraid of being left alone and not being cared for. The child loses a sense of security and stability when his parents change the structure of the family. There are fears about who will take care of them, how often they will see the parent who no longer lives with them, and whether they will have to change schools and friends.

 

There are many ways that parents can meet the emotional needs of their children during a divorce, but here are a few suggestions that may help specifically with the experience of hostility, guilt and fear.

 

Continue to set limits. When your children are going through a difficult time, it is tempting to relax standards of behavior — especially if you are feeling guilty about disrupting their lives. But discipline is a part of love, and it is important for kids of divorcing parents to know that they are being looked after as closely as before. At such a chaotic time, consistency is especially important.

 

Take pains to reassure your kids that they are not to blame for the divorce. Children are often convinced that the divorce is their fault and that they can bring their parents back together if they behave perfectly now. It is important to correct these misconceptions.

 

Explain the divorce to your children and reassure them of your love frequently. One explanation of the divorce is not enough. As time goes by, children’s ability to understand changes and they will have new questions and concerns. They will need to understand how the divorce will impact their daily life, and to know through words and actions that their parents continue to love them.

 

Children experience many emotions during a divorce, and the demands on parents are considerable. Parents are asked to exert patience, objectivity, and self-control to an unusual degree at a period when they are experiencing extraordinary emotional stresses. It is important that both parents and children find an outlet for their emotions at this time through a trusted friend, family member, or counselor.

 

Dr. Burnett sees clients in the Yorkville Office.*
The Yorkville offices supports Yorkville, Oswego, and surrounding areas.

 

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