How To Help Children Make Friends

By Julie Burnett*, Psy.D.

 

New beginnings, new tomorrows, Night will soon become morning again; There'll be new skies and with each sunrise, We'll be making lots of new friends.

 

When I was a child, each school year was a new beginning. The above lyrics are to a song that we used to sing in music class, and they capture the feeling I had with each new year. I remember excitedly wondering who was going to be in my class and looking forward to making new friends. While there is often great anticipation surrounding the beginning of the school year, "making lots of new friends" is a difficult process for many children.

 

As a parent, you might feel concerns over a son or daughter who struggles socially and wonder how to help them. Although it might be tempting to treat it as a passing phase, the concern is that children learn about themselves and the world around them through their relationships with others. If their experience is consistently negative or defeating, it could have a negative impact on their self-esteem and the way that they view others. Also, as adults we realize that we use our friendship-making skills for the rest of our lives. Fortunately, there are skills and qualities of good friends that we can help to develop in our children to assist them in forming friendships.

 

It has often been said that to have a friend, you must be a friend. But what does that look like? These are a number of qualities that describe a good friend. You could brainstorm with your child about his or her ideas of how to be a good friend. In the meantime, here are some thoughts to get you started.

 

Be Genuine.

The first thing to emphasize to your children about making friends is that they must be themselves. True friends are people who are consistently natural, honest, and sincere. Make a point of highlighting to your child the qualities that make her unique. People who wear a mask or try to pretend to be something they are not end up unhappy and feeling insecure about whether people truly like them for who they are, or just for who they pretend to be. Praise your child for his uniqueness and encourage him to share his interests with others. Others will trust him more when they know what to expect from him, and he will develop a feeling of confidence in himself when he realizes people like him the way he is.

 

Be Considerate.

Friends think about others people's feelings and how their words of actions might affect someone else. As a parent, you can model good listening skills to your child where you convey interest in what they are saying and ask questions. Teach your children to express their opinions in a way that respects others. It is also important for them to be considerate when they make plans. Encourage your child to consider their friend's interests when they plan an activity, and to allow their friend to choose what they would like to do.

 

Reach Out.

In order for form friendships, someone has to take the initiative. It is often easier to get to know someone individually than it is in a group. Encourage your child to identify one person who they would like to get to know better. Then teach them to take the initiative and talk to that person about likes and dislikes, interests, and experiences. Encourage your child to ask that person to do something they would both enjoy. People tend to like others who are interested in them. Create opportunities for your children to spend time with others outside the family. When you meet someone new, have your children practice smiling, making eye contact, and introducing themselves. The more practice they get, the easier it will be for them.

 

Get Involved.

Encourage your children to sign up for a new activity or join a new club, team, band, or chorus. In groups of this kind, each person is an important part of the whole. Group members depend on each other, and in time, this trust produces friendship. They have things in common and are exposed to a different children. It also builds a sense of self-esteem and your child becomes a more interesting person, which is attractive to others.

As you encourage your children in this process, remember that they learn from example - so model good friendship-making skills to them! If then continue to struggle, many schools offer social-skills training programs that focus on how they can get along with their peers. Talk to your school social worker or child's teacher about the available possibilities.

 

Julie sees clients in the Yorkville Office*
The Yorkville Ofice supports Yorkville, Oswego, Plano and surrounding areas.

 

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