Fear of Anger in Relationships

By Kelly Urbon*, MA

 

Not many of us seem to know how to get anger "right." Most people probably fall into one of two groups: the suppressors or the over-expressers. The suppressors are the ones who stuff their anger; they choke down feelings of rage. On the outside they may be smiling, but on the inside they could be fuming. They just do their best not to let it show. Suppressors seem to believe that talking about what makes them angry "won't do any good, or "will only make things worse. Over-expressers, on the other hand, seem to feel permission to spout off about anything and everything. Loud voices, critical words, and throwing things can all be part of their behavioral repertoire. They seem to believe that "getting it all out is the key to moving on from situations that bring feelings of anger.

 

We also seem to have difficulty knowing what to get angry about. Some individuals can be lied to by their best friend, and not give any sign of being upset at all; others can become furious having to wait for the cashier to change the roll of tape in a register (and everyone around them knows it!).

 

The need to figure out how to express anger in a healthy way is most important in our most intimate relationships. First, for many of us, we will actually feel the most anger in our closest relationships. Second, it will be with our spouses and closest friends that the consequences of not addressing anger can be the most destructive. Unexpressed anger will build up an internal wall that will eventually be quite difficult to breach. Anger that is expressed too freely, and without much thought, can damage a relationship so badly that any feeling of emotional safety is lost.

 

Anger shouldn't be used to make another person feel as if they have no value. Therefore, no name-calling, i.e. "How could you be so stupid!?

 

Anger generally shouldn't be expressed in a way to intimidate or frighten another person. So, punching a wall, or clenching your fists aren't really appropriate.

 

Physical violence is out of the question. Inflicting physical wounds is only appropriate in those rare and serious situations where we must defend our safety and our lives.

 

Appropriate ways to communicate anger include some of the following:

Using "I" language instead of "you" language, i.e. "I am so angry that you came home late without calling me AGAIN!" Do not add "You are so insensitive and irresponsible.

 

Make eye contact to communicate the seriousness of what you are saying.

 

And, ask for a response. Don't just blast someone and walk away. Use anger as the beginning of a dialogue that can lead to greater understanding and intimacy.

 

If expressing anger is so important to closeness, a few guidelines might help to make it a safer, more productive experience. First, understand that anger is the emotion of protest. Angry responses are part of our hard-wired emotional system. They are designed to give us important information about the world. You can see anger and rage in infants, of course. Every parent quickly learns that the cry of need is very different than the cry of anger. In it's most basic form, anger says "Hey! You can't do this to me! A large part of parenting becomes teaching children that they won't always get what they want, and then teaches them how to modulate and express the emotions that come with frustration. The requirements aren't so different when we are adults. We won't always get what we want relationally, we will feel frustrated in response to that reality, and we will be required to modulate our emotional response so that we can express it in a helpful way.

 

So, here are a few rules to keep anger in check. When you express anger use this list of unhelpful behaviors as a beginning:

 

"Happy marriages are based on a deep friendship."

J. Gottman (1999), The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, p. 19.

 

Interesting Fact:

 

"The determining factor in whether wives feel satisfied with the sex, romance, and passion in their marriages is, by 70%, the quality of a couple's friendship. For men, the determining factor is, by 70%, the quality of the couple's friendship."

 

Kelly sees clients in the Yorkville office*
The Yorkville office supports Yorkville, Oswego and surrounding areas.

 

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